It’s the Pitts: Stay in Your Lane

by Lee Pitts

I admit I am prejudiced, and I don’t believe in intergenerational marriage. 

For example, I don’t believe a Baby Boomer should ever consider marrying a member of Generation Alpha, who are currently one to 14 years old.

Don’t laugh. In 1880, 37 states set the legal marrying age at 10 years with parental consent, and in Delaware one could marry at seven years of age. 

These days, one can legally get married at 16 years old in many states.

If you’re like me, you are having trouble knowing who’s who when it comes to the generations.

Currently, there are members of eight generations living at the same time, including the Greatest Generation; the Silent Generation; Baby Boomers; Generations X, Y and Z; Generation Alpha and Generation Beta. 

This is why in America today we can have a 100-year-old bereaved widow who can remember her husband’s first kiss but has a monogomously-challenged great-granddaughter who can’t remember her third husband’s last name.

Baby Boomers were born between 1946-64, and currently there are 73 million of us but we’re dying like flies. 

The only reason a member of Generations X, Y and Z should ever consider marrying a Baby Boomer is for resource extraction purposes, as Boomers are the wealthiest generation on the planet. 

If you see a human standing in line at the bank, they’re probably a Boomer because all of the other younger generations either have no money to put in the bank or they bank online.

Baby Boomers have their own way of talking, which younger generations don’t understand.

We use words like “far out man,” “bummer” and “groovy,” while Gen Zers – also called Zoomers – use words like “rad,” “wazzup” and “awesome.” Members of Generation Alpha say things like “mad lit” and “mad drip,” which I have no idea what they mean. 

How would an intergenerational couple even communicate? 

Generally speaking, Boomers are self-centered and spoiled. We still read newspapers and magazines, while Millennials and all of the rest only read their phones. 

Boomers have old fashioned names like Leland, Farnsworth and Winston, while Millennials are called things like Moon Unit, Cyanide, Phelony, Jacquell and Zooey. 

Can you imagine the fight an intergenerational couple would have in naming their children?

Members of Generation X are often referred to as the MTV Generation or Latchkey Kids because they largely raised themselves since both parents were working. Currently they are broke, but interestingly, they are the highest spending of any generation, spending $15 trillion a year. 

On average, they’re $142,000 in the hole – most of it student debt. 

A member of Generation X should never even consider marrying a member of Generation Z because they are financially conservative. Can you imagine the fights they’d have over money?

The Millennials – also called Generation Y – are currently 45 to 60 years old and are licking their chops because it’s estimated they’ll inherit $68 trillion, which is why many of them are still living at home and have never had a job. 

It’s been said – not by me – Millennials are lazy, entitled, delusional, narcissistic, unreliable and financially insecure. They are also referred to as Generation Me and Echo Boomers. 

The men of this generation wear their hair in a bun, are covered with tattoos and have more piercings than a seamstress’ fingers. They have no kids and no place to live other than with their parents. They cut the cord, don’t watch much TV, are addicted to their phones, have no brand loyalty, no patience and have never been inside a bank except to rob one. 

Females be warned – many males of this generation never reach a marital age. Sounds like a real catch matrimonially speaking, don’t they?

Members of Generation Z got their first smartphone at age eight which means they don’t have to think and they spend four to five hours on social media. They carry no cash and pay for everything with their phone.

Generations Alpha and Beta are below the legal age for marrying. We wouldn’t touch them with a 10-feet pole, and neither should you. Our number one rule is you should never marry anyone who is younger than your oldest daughter. 

One final piece of advice when it comes to matters of matrimony – stay in your own lane.