It’s the Pitts: Theirs
During the past two years, ranchers have had to do something they’ve never done before – pay taxes to Uncle Sam they’ve already spent.
Albert Einstein once said, “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax,” and keep in mind, he was the smartest man in the world in his day.
So how can the feds expect a bunch of cowpokes from the boonies to understand the intricacies of income tax?
Even Internal Revenue Service (IRS) employees don’t understand the tax code, as 20 percent of the answers they give on the IRS hotline are incorrect. How can they possibly expect first-time payers like ranchers to grasp the concept?
Those who do their taxes themselves – like I once did – will soon learn filling out all of the required forms is harder than it was to make the money in the first place.
Ranchers should not take taxes lightly. If they fill out the forms correctly, they’ll end up in the poorhouse. Do them wrong, and they’ll end up in the jailhouse.
I’ve paid taxes now for 56 years, so I know a little something about the evil lurking within all of the IRS forms, and as a public service to cattlemen, I will now provide much better answers to frequently asked questions than the IRS hotline will.
Q: My cows mostly get bred by my neighbors highly bred and expensive $10,000 bulls. Do I depreciate or expense what he paid for them?
A: You are pursuing what accountants and H&R Block call an “aggressive tax-avoidance strategy.” Before pursuing such a plan, I would assess how strong your marriage is in advance. The IRS depends to a great extent on snitches – their favorite being divorced wives who would like nothing better than to see you behind bars.
Q: Doing my taxes was incredibly difficult and time consuming. Is this something I’ll have to do every year?
A: Don’t worry. These current incredibly high cattle prices are an aberration – a fleeting moment in time – so you might have to pay income taxes for another year or two, but sooner than you think you’ll be back to massive losses which will feel more familiar.
Q: Can I deduct the entire cost of a new pool table we bought last year or do I have to depreciate the cost over several years? Can I also write off any gambling losses I rack up on the table?
A: To expense the cost you would have to use said table as a place to store things like baling twine, ear tags, salt, cases of beer, sacks of minerals, etc.
As for writing off gambling losses, I’ve never tried it but what have you got to lose? Although, you might have to wear a heavy ankle monitoring bracelet so the IRS can track your every move.
Q: My sleazeball brother-in-law sells fancy hydraulic squeeze chutes, and he said he’d write out a phony receipt for one for only $1,000 which I could use to offset income on my taxes. What do you think, is it worth the risk?
A: Only if you want to end up in prison where you could become the girlfriend of a big, bad bully.
Q: I’ve met a fellow prisoner who said he could arrange for the assassination of my brother-in-law who has now run off with my wife to South America. What is the current rate for a hit job?
A: I don’t know, but whatever it is, don’t try to write it off on your income taxes.
Q: Can I write off my wife’s chiropractor bills for her bad back that she got from lifting heavy hay bales?
A: I don’t see why not? But who’s gonna feed your cows when you end up sharing a cell with the hit job guy?
Q: I’ve only been paying taxes for two years now but I’m already sick and tired of the feds stealing my money and then wasting it the way they do. And their attitude! Have you ever noticed if you put a space between the “e” and the “i” in the word “theirs” it spells “The IRS.”
A: Just be glad we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Note: This column was sponsored by XYZ Bail Bondsman.
