It’s the Pitts: Info Not Available

Curly Tinkle is what is known in the computer world as a “T.I.M.” – a totally ignorant moron – but he thinks all of this artificial intelligence stuff is going to save him. 

Curly went to school for 16 years studying to be a half-wit, and he never quite succeeded. So, I was not surprised when he told me a fast-talking salesman at a livestock trade show had sold him an artificial intelligence computer program for $3,000. 

The only problem is Curly’s Apple II computer is so old it won’t run the program.

The computer program is called “BULL,” which I found appropriate. It was designed to aid cattlemen in selecting range bulls or herd sires. 

All they have to do is answer a set of questions regarding their parameters for buying a bull, including ratios, expected progeny differences (EPD) and other economically-important traits, then enter the data into the computer and the program digests the information using artificial intelligence to make a recommendation as to which bull a rancher should buy. 

Admittedly, Curly needed the help. One look at his herd bull battery would convince any person of that. If you ever wondered where all of the negative EPD numbers went, they ended up for safekeeping in Curly Tinkle’s herd.

Curly didn’t have sufficient funds to buy a new computer to run the app, but he knew I had one, which is how Curly ended up at my house in front of my computer screen.

“Before I use this thing to help me buy a new herd bull, I want to test it out,” explained Curly. “You ask me the questions, and I’ll give you the information about a bull I bought a couple years ago. Since I know how the bull turned out, we will know if this program is any good or not.”

It sounded like one of Curly’s rare good ideas, so I began the questioning.

“What frame score is desired?” asked the computer.

Curly scrunched up his nose and asked back, “What’s bowling got to do with buying a bull?”

“No, Curly, the computer wants to know how tall the bull is,” I explained.

“Oh, well, he came up to about here on me,” Curly said, pointing to his belt buckle.

Keep in mind, Curly is not a tall man.

“Let’s just enter, ‘info not available,’” I suggested, which seemed to be acceptable to Curly. 

“Next question – what is the desired yearling weight?” I asked.

“All I know is I bought him as a three-year-old and hauled him home in my half-ton pick-up, and I hardly knew I had a load on,” Curly replied.

Again, I entered, “info not available,’ at the character insertion point and proceeded to ask the next question. 

“What is the desired Milk EPD?” I asked.

Curly looked forlorn at having invested $3,000 on a program that didn’t know bulls don’t give milk. I could tell these difficult questions were addling his brain. 

“What are the pelvic and scrotal measurements on your desired bull?” I asked on behalf of the computer.

Curly just looked at me like I was a pervert.

“How did the bull do on his semen test?” I continued.

“You better leave this one blank too,” said Curly sadly. “That old bull didn’t have enough energy to catch a cow in heat, let alone breed her.” 

“How about his calving score?” I asked.

“I didn’t even know cattle kept score,” replied Curly.

When the computer was through playing 20 questions and we had answered “info not available” to nearly every one, I pressed the “RUN” button and the computer spit out its answer.

“This bull buyer should consider using AI,” it said.

Now we don’t know if the computer meant Curly should hire an artificial insemination technician to breed his cows or if he should use artificial intelligence to pick a bull because he doesn’t have any of the real kind.