It’s The Pitts: Bovine Bill of Rights

Just as Thomas Jefferson is remembered as the author of the Declaration of Independence and James Madison as the principal author of the Constitution, so too will I be remembered for the Bovine Bill of Rights.

Article X – Beef animals not retained for breeding shall have the right to be placed in feedlots where they will be served breakfast in bed every morning and fed supper after their afternoon nap. 

They have the right to gobble down as much tasty feed as they desire of a delicious and expensive ration consisting of mouthwatering grains, appetizing roughage and sugary molasses for dessert, and all without having to worry about being bullied and made fun of by their fellow bovines for their obesity.

Article IX – Cattle shall have the right to clean water and tight fences to prevent having to intermingle with the neighbor’s inferior mongrels.

Article VIII – Bovines shall have the right to be transported in a well-ventilated trailer free of any off-putting fragrance from leftover swine or sheep dung. They have the right to be transported to their new destination as quickly as possible without speed governors or being stopped by over-zealous highway patrolmen or delayed by over-eager scale masters.

Article VII – At a branding – and periodically through the year – cattle have the right to be injected with pricey pharmaceuticals to keep them healthy and alive. 

Bovines also have the right to be branded so after blizzards, floods or fires they can be sorted and returned home. They have the right to wear ear tags to ward off flies and to provide additional information such as their sire. Cattle shall have the option to wear electronic ear tags, but only if their caretaker deems them necessary.

Article VI – During a three-day snowstorm, cattle have the right to be kept alive by ranchers wearing five layers of clothing with icicles hanging from their mustaches, bringing them life-giving hay in the blinding snow.

Article V – Cattle have the right to a painless death, free from worry about ignorant politicians and urban bureaucrats turning wolves and grizzly bears loose in cattle country to devour their calves and rip them apart limb by limb. 

Unlike humans who may suffer through chronic pain or depression and end up in old geezer rest homes for dementia patients, market-ready cattle also have the right to a painless death, something their human caregivers will never get to experience.

Article IV – Cows shall have the right to be bred by the best bulls the rancher can afford. The rancher shall do everything in his or her power to provide bulls worthy of their cows. Cows and heifers shall also have the right to raise their offspring without any interference from deadbeat dads.

Article III – Cows shall also have the right to be aided in a difficult birth even if it means acquiring expensive services of a qualified veterinarian to perform a Caesarean section.

Article II – Orphan calves shall have the right to be warmed up in a bathtub full of hot water and then laid on the carpet in front of a fire in the fireplace. They shall also have the right to be bottle fed every four hours around the clock. 

When older, they have the right to be joined by their fellow orphaned calves at a calf ranch, bottle fed twice a day and supplemented with grain and roughage without having to worry about wolves or where their next meal will come from.

Article I – Bovines have the right to be cooked and eaten by humans, providing people with the necessary ingredients required for life. This time-honored meat-eating custom by people goes back three million years and makes it possible for humans to continue the practice of raising cattle, thereby giving bovines a wonderful life they probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.