It’s The Pitts: Our Other Immigration Problem

I bet you can’t guess what creature is the most dangerous in the world.

I thought it was wolves, but it’s actually flies. This is because they carry and spread more disease than any other animal or insect in the world. Which begs the question – why didn’t Noah grab his big old fly swatter and kill both of the flies on the Ark when he had the chance?

I was reading about the New World screwworm (NWS), when I came up with an idea that could solve another deadly immigration problem spreading mayhem and murder throughout the West – only this one is coming across our Southern and Northern borders. 

I am, of course, referring to wolves. 

I think we can use the same plan we once used to eliminate NWS from our country to solve our wolf problem.

It seems we tried everything to get rid of the NWS driving southern ranchers crazy prior to the 1960s when some brainy scientist came up with the idea to release hundreds of millions of sterile male screwworm flies to mate with female screwworm flies. 

The only reason the plan worked to perfection is because monastic female screwworm flies only mate one time, and if it’s with a sterile male fly instead of one shooting real bullets, no offspring result. So in one generation the flies are almost gone. 

The U.S. government spent millions of dollars building facilities to produce sterile male flies, just as they are doing now in an effort to stop the onward march north to America. 

But what if we could use the same game plan with wolves being imported from Canada and Mexico turned loose to wreak havoc on the West? 

What I am proposing is the government should spend billions of dollars building three facilities – one each in Los Angeles, Chicago and New York to produce millions of sterile male wolves to be turned loose all over the country to mate with immigrant wolves which are presently murdering sheep, cattle and wildlife indiscriminately. 

We’re going to need a lot of sterile male wolves because the promiscuous hussies obviously breed more than one time in their lives.

I know what you’re thinking. Wouldn’t sterile wolves still kill our cattle and sheep too? Under normal circumstances, of course they would, but here’s where I share the brilliance of my plan. 

Using gene editing and genetic modification, we snip a few chromosomes from an old California hippie and put them into the genetic code of the wolves, thus producing vegetarian sterile male wolves. 

This would make it possible for American citizens to actually see and come in contact with the wolves they say they love so much, something that doesn’t happen now. Their only contact with their much beloved lobos nowadays is watching an animated Disney movie. 

And because they’d be vegetarians, the ranchers wouldn’t have to worry about some wolf watching their kids and pets and counting calories or about putting their children in cages at the bus stop for their safety. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

We’d have to breed a lot of sterile male vegetarian wolves to overwhelm the intact male wolves, and this is why I think we should also clip and paste a few more chromosomes to make sterile male wolves much bigger and more muscular so female wolves would want to breed with them instead of the current crop of serial killers. 

Over time I believe this would eventually put an end to livestock depredation incidents, and urban Americans wouldn’t have to worry about wolves eating poor Poopsie Whoopsie or Cuddly Wuddly.

And here’s how sneaky smart I am. The first time an urban American sees some big old vegetarian wolf eating her award-winning roses or heirloom tomatoes, he or she is going to demand we send every wolf in America back to where they came from – Canada, Mexico or that place where the Devil dwells.