It’s The Pitts: Over Qualified
I’m worried about losing my occupation, and I have no pension or skills anyone is willing to pay for.
I’m also 73 years old, so my options are either bagging groceries or being a greeter at Walmart. But, I’m not a people person who can put on a smile and be pleasant for eight hours.
I’m too old to join the Army, and although I can stand around with six other guys and watch one guy dig a hole, the county is not currently hiring.
Because I’ve been a rancher, I guess one could say I’ve been in the food industry the last 50 years. Therefore, I’ve been checking for jobs in the industry, and I found McDonald’s is swapping out people with robots and the grocery store is replacing their checkers and baggers with self-help machines.
So, although I’ve never had to write a resume in my life because I’ve been self-employed for the last 50 years, I decided my writing time could best be spent polishing up a resume or job application just in case the bottom falls out of the market for syndicated columnists.
So here goes.
Name: Lee Pitts
Sex: Not that I can remember.
Marital Status: I have a black belt in marital arts.
Objective: I want an easy job where I can make the most money with the least amount of work, and I want a big pension like my neighbor, the postman, who retired at age 55 with a full-benefits package and a good monthly income.
Desired salary: If the fire chief of Los Angeles was getting half a million a year, I deserve at least this much. I can stand around and watch homes burn just as well as she did.
Preferred position: I think I should either be the president of the company or be in charge of procurement because I like buying stuff. I’ve never worked in an office environment and don’t play well with others, so I haven’t developed any bad habits. My wife would probably like it if I was gone at least four days a week and my paycheck be automatically deposited into her account.
Education: I got a Bachelor of Science in Animal Science in three years at a school many have likely never heard of and another year studying in Australia, where I learned a third language. Now I speak English, Australian and a few words in Spanish, although judging by the response, I think they’re dirty words.
Work experience: I’ve picked lemons and avocados and been a roustabout in the oilfields. I’ve also been a cowboy, rancher, writer, ad pimp and a ring man at auctions. I’ve been a professor at a junior college for one year and dusted furniture in my grandpa’s furniture store.
Special skills: Typing and I’m a very good speller too. I’m also very good at shoveling crap. I can shear sheep, and I know how to castrate a ram lamb using my teeth. I’m skilled in the leather arts and can engrave silver. I was first chair alto saxophone in my high school marching band, I know how to do some great card tricks, I can juggle and I make a great peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Communication skills: Don’t worry about me standing around smoking while staring at my phone because I don’t smoke and I don’t own a cell phone. I also hate talking on the phone, so I don’t think my skills would be best put to use in a call center in India to irritate people every day for eight hours. Besides, I don’t think my wife wants to relocate to a third world outpost.
Notable achievements: I was self-employed employee of the year for 40 years, and I’m an organ donor.
Reason for leaving last job: I got in a fist fight with a fellow employee. I lost my job, but the fight ended in a draw.
References: Fortunately, all of the people I worked for are now dead, but I give you my permission to talk to them about me.
Availability: Like Billy the Kid, there is only one known photo of me, and I’m not available to be interviewed on a Zoom call, whatever that is. I am willing to pee in a jar for a drug test.
I certify almost all of the above is mostly true.
