It’s the Pitts: When did you say you were leaving
By: Lee Pitts
On behalf of my fellow Westerners, let me be the first to welcome our Eastern visitors – and their money – to the Wild, Wild West this coming summer.
We certainly want to be hospitable hosts, but before one gets the idea they might like to prolong their stay and make the West their permanent abode, I feel compelled to mention a few things the local Chamber of Commerce didn’t.
Sure, Montana may capture one’s soul, but may I remind you, the last Easterner who wanted to take up permanent residence there was George Custer.
Sure, one can find a place to park the family RV in the Dakotas, but the Badlands are also the “Home of God’s Frozen People.” There is usually no weather in the North – it’s always zero. And did I mention black ice and snow tires?
Washington offers scenic beauty, great beer and, of course, Mt. Saint Helens. But before visitors get any ideas about making the Northwest their new domicile, need I remind them Big Foot is still roaming around. If they survive Big Foot, there are logging trucks and, of course, Mt. Saint Helens could erupt again at any time, burying visitors in molten pumice.
You’ve really got to watch your ash in Washington.
Millions of tourists will discover Nevada this summer. The Silver State offers gambling and other indoor recreational sports, if you catch my drift. But the reason everybody stays indoors in Nevada is because outside they are testing nuclear bombs.
In Idaho, all of those buildings visitors see are not potato cellars. Besides the potato, Idaho’s sagebrush plain is also home to the largest concentration of nuclear reactors in the country.
This is why those lucky people who live in Nevada and Idaho always have a certain glow about them.
The Texas and Oklahoma panhandles may take one’s breath away, but actually what they are smelling are the feedlots in full flower. Cramped Texans would also probably like me to mention their hail, humidity and hurricanes.
Like Texans always say, “Short visits make for long friends.”
Sure, the weather in California has attracted a lot of people, but this is just because they don’t know how bad earthquakes can be.
Before married couples decide a change of scenery might save their marriage, there is another California oddity which could be more devastating than the big quake due at any minute – it is called community property.
Oregon is pretty, but it is also full of native California nuts, flakes and vegetables trying to escape the big quake. The possibility of having one of them as a neighbor should be enough to discourage anyone from moving there.
I have to admit Zion, Bryce and the rest of Utah is breathtaking. But need I remind you those rock formations were carved by floods and wind. Takes a pretty strong wind to carve rock, you know? Besides, it can be tough to get a drink in Utah on Sunday.
Those who are thinking of relocating should try Kansas. During a twister, one’s house might get relocated for free. It was the home of the Wizard of Oz, as you may recall.
Colorado will steal your heart, but try buying a house in Aspen. It’ll steal more than your heart.
Visitors might want to exercise squatters rights in the Southwest, but I must warn them, all of the food is covered in red and green chili, and the bathrooms and watering holes are much too far apart.
The Tucson Tourist Bureau brags about their dry heat, but 120 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade is still hot. The Grand Canyon is nothing more than a big crack in the earth caused by a lack of water and extreme heat. During Noah’s flood, Arizona and New Mexico only got two inches of rain.
Wyoming offers great hunting, but far too many residents are short-sighted cowboys. Be advised, wear orange clothing while visiting Wyoming.
What I am trying to say was best summed up by a bumper sticker I saw in Nebraska, which said, “Welcome, Now Go Home.”
Besides, I think you left the bathtub running and the iron on. Oh, by the way, did you lock the front door?
