It’s the Pitts: Net-Zero Cows

By: Lee Pitts

The liberals who have been trying to legislate the weather latealy are now saying we are facing a “national climate emergency,” and continue to rant and rave it’s all the cow’s fault.

Universities and greenie groups are insisting we need net-zero cows so we won’t face “the sixth mass extinction.” These net-zero cows will be “more climate friendly” because they’ll contribute zero methane, but one wonders, what would a net-zero cow look like?

Believe it or not, there are efforts afoot to come up with an expected progeny difference (EPD) ranchers can use to breed less gaseous cows. It’s been predicted such an EPD might be five years away, but it could be accelerated if a corporation like McDonald’s suddenly wants beef from climate-friendly cattle. 

Then, the Big Four packers will supposedly pay a premium to ranchers who produce net-zero cattle. So instead of breeding for cattle that taste good, grow fast and efficiently and calve easily, we will all be breeding for cattle that burp less.

These new net-zero cows will probably weigh 600 pounds because smaller cattle produce less methane. 

According to scientists, net-zero cows will wear an on-board digester gas mask on their face. But if the gas mask covers the cow’s entire face, how will they eat? Without any feed, the cows will die, making them net-zero because dead cows don’t burp very much. This would really please the greenies who dream of ridding the world of cows.

Although this is counterintuitive, we’re told cattle on grass actually produce 20 percent more methane than cattle in a feedlot. 

Grasses supposedly produce more methane than corn. So we can’t just spray the feed in a bunk with bicarbonate of soda because we have not addressed what we’re going to do about grazing cows. 

I checked online and found Gas Ex Maximum is $17.99 per bottle and Beano Ultra 800 is $20.79, so we’d need one endless line of tanker trucks full of products like Pepto Bismol, Extra Strength Mylanta or Immodium to spray all of the grasslands in America. 

I suppose one could distribute it in block form, but it’s hard enough to get cows to lick their mineral block so I don’t think they’ll be lining up to dine on the Kaopectate Extra Strength Gas Relief block.

Speaking of things cows won’t eat, seaweed isn’t exactly a cow’s version of filet mignon, and yet, it has also been put forth as another answer to gaseous cows. 

Because I live by the ocean, I gathered up a bunch of prime fresh seaweed and dumped it in front of 100 nearly-starving cows. Not only would they not eat the wet seaweed, they peed and pooped on it to show their disdain. 

They wouldn’t touch the dried seaweed either. 

And not many cows are raised right on the ocean, so there would  be the additional cost of transporting the stuff. I guess one could make the seaweed in bolus or pill form, but who wants to gather their cows every day to come up with a solution in search of a problem?

Another way a rancher might produce net-zero cows is by leasing out his or her land for solar arrays and windmills and acquiring carbon credits in this manner. Their remaining cows will produce just as much methane as always, but the rancher will be able to make his cattle net-zero with the greenie’s stamp of approval.

Of course, wealthy ranchers will do what big corporations do when faced with the questionable climate change crises – they’ll just buy carbon credits on carbon trading platforms to make Wall Street con artists and former Vice President Al Gore even richer.

Personally, I think the idea our cows can cause the climate to change half way around the world is the biggest con game since The Sting. 

Those who don’t think so should consider this – I looked at several sources and their guesses for how much methane produced by cows contributed to global warming. The answers varied from three percent to 30 percent. 

So it’s not exactly settled science, and breeding for net-zero cows with the use of an EPD for methane production is the dumbest idea I’ve heard since the motorized ice cream cone. 

It’s like treating a cold with chemo.