It’s The Pitts: The Big Bad Wolf
WARNING: This is a modern-day fairytale you shouldn’t read to your kids or grandkids because it will give them nightmares. They won’t want to go outside to play or walk to school.
It’s been awhile since anyone has read me a fairytale, but if I recall correctly, this is based on two old classics – “The Three Little Pigs” and “Little Red Riding Hood.”
Once upon a time, a big bad wolf showed up at the door of a Chicago penthouse and knocked on Little Red Riding Hood’s door.
“Open up or I’ll tear your house down and eat you,” said the wolf.
The high society billionaire heiress looked at her Ring camera and said with great excitement, “Oh, how wonderful, a real wolf showing up at my doorstep. I’m surprised you made it this far because this is the murder capital of the country and there are a lot of hoodlums around here with guns.”
“I came with a pack of other wolves, and we all came disguised as dogs,” the wolf explained.
“My, what big claws you have,” Little Red Riding Hood said. “You don’t look at all like the pictures in National Geographic. I thought you were just found out West with all of the hick ranchers. I never dreamed I’d get to come face to face with a real wolf.”
“I want you to know I’ve been sending money to the Wolf Conservation Center, Lobos of the Southwest and the American Wolf Foundation for years, but I’ve never actually seen a real wolf up close and personal. It’s so exciting,” she said as she unlocked the five locks on her door. “Come on in. Have you had anything to eat?”
“I had a couple lamb chops and some veal cutlets for breakfast, but I never turn down a free meal,” the wolf replied.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” said Miss Riding Hood. “I never did believe all of the propaganda about wolves terrorizing the countryside and killing defenseless animals. You poor thing. I’m so glad you didn’t get shot on your way here.”
“So am I,” said the wolf. “The last time I saw this many murderers all in one place was at my family reunion.”
“Please do come in and make yourself at home,” Little Red Riding Hood said. “You’re certainly welcome to spend the night.”
After no one heard from Miss Riding Hood for weeks, the cops finally went to her apartment and found a pile of bones and what was later determined to be wolf droppings.
A few months later, the wolf showed up in a suburb of Denver despite nearly getting run over by all of the traffic. He knocked on the door of a tract home.
“I heard you folks here in Colorado really love wolves and are big supporters of bringing in more illegal immigrants like me from Mexico and Canada,” the wolf said. “It’s freezing out here, and I could use a place to come in out of the cold.”
Once again, the resident looked through her peephole and said, “My what big teeth you have. Is that blood there on your chinny chin chin? I love wolves, but to be honest, you’re the first one I’ve ever met. I thought you were just like dogs who could share my life and cuddle with me on the couch as I watch ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.’ You’re not at all what I expected.”
“BURP! Excuse me,” said the wolf. “I got a bad case of indigestion from eating your Llasa Apso in your backyard.”
“You ate my dog?” the lady shrieked. “I’m calling the police, the U.S. Army and the National Guard.”
“It won’t do any good lady. I’m an endangered species, and I’m fully protected,” replied the wolf.
“I don’t care. I’m canceling my Friends of the Wolf membership, and if you don’t leave this instant, I’m calling the governor to come and get you,” she said.
The wolf took off and later found himself in ranch country out near Sterling, Colo. where he dined on a calf as the cow was giving birth to it. Then, just for kicks, he ate the hindquarter of the cow and left her to die a slow death.
He saw a ranch house nearby and knocked on the door.
“Open up. It’s me and I’ve come to eat you out of business,” said the wolf.
“Well, you’ve pretty near done it,” said the rancher. “But I’m afraid this story doesn’t have a fairytale ending.”
“KABOOM!”
And nobody lived happily ever after.
