It’s the Pitts: Smarty Cows
I don’t think any dimwits or peabrains read this column, but if I wanted to separate the mentally challenged from the brainiacs, I could merely type the letters “IQ EPD” and ask what it means.
Smart cattlemen would know I was referring to expected progeny differences (EPD) and intelligence (IQ).
The dumbest of you will just think I can’t spell “equipped.” Either that or I’m so far behind technologically my typewriter doesn’t have a spell checker.
Breed associations have developed EPDs to make it easier for ranchers to breed better cattle. There are EPDs for birth weight, weaning weight, yearling weight, milk, ribeye area, marbling, blah, blah, blah.
But there is one trait I don’t think any breed association has an EPD for yet – intelligence. As a result, we still have far too many dimwitted cows.
Just how stupid are today’s cows? I am reminded of Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoon which shows a cow fighting for a better position in line at the slaughterhouse.
Just think, if we had smarter cows there would be more motivation to conceive and bring a big strapping calf to the branding fire every year.
If cows were smarter, they’d look around at all of their sisters who failed to conceive and were sent down the road to the “Big House” – and I’m not talking about the White House, I’m talking about the slaughterhouse.
If we had smarter cows, instead of standing in freezing snow bawling and waiting for some charitable person to bring them some hay, they’d paw the ground like a bison to get at the grass below the snow.
I suppose we could use gene editing and splicing, take a little snippet from the bison and graft it onto the cow’s chromosome, but it’s not that easy. It would be easier to select for cows who already forage by pawing the ground to get at feed.
If we had a whole herd of such cows, it could extend the grazing capacity of a ranch and the wife wouldn’t have to be in such a big hurry to get out in a blizzard to feed the poor darlings.
By breeding for smarter cows, we could teach them not to calve at night when everyone is trying to get some shuteye. Instead, they’d calve around 2 p.m. when all of the other chores are done and the vet might be available.
Imagine how nice it would be if you had an entire herd of cows smart enough to only calve during daylight hours.
If there was a daylight EPD it would soon become a rancher’s number one criteria, and high daylight EPD range bulls would fetch $20,000 apiece.
I’m sure some college could develop an EPD for intelligence or propensity to calve during daylight hours if given a big enough grant, but I’m not waiting.
Currently, some folks are testing how calmly their cattle stand in a chute, scoring them and then developing an EPD for docility. But this doesn’t show how smart they are, just how calm they are – big difference.
We need a different, far more specific test on which to base cattle IQ EPDs if we’re going to separate the dullards from the Einsteins of the cow community.
And I think I’ve found a way to do it.
We all know how well cows like molasses supplement or “cow candy” as it’s known around our house.
In my test, I’d put out half barrels painted black and plumb full of cow candy, and after the cows all got used to eating it, I’d collect all of the black barrels and put out empty white barrels, totally devoid of even the smell of cow candy.
Next, I’d corral the cows and keep them off of feed for 24 hours while I put out black barrels containing supplement alongside empty white barrels.
When I turned the cows loose, I’d record which cows went to the black barrels and which ones were stupid enough to go to the white barrels. After testing a few generations in such a manner, I think I could develop an entire herd of smarty cows.
My brainiac wife says there should be a third option. We should select for the cows who look upon the barrels with disdain and immediately go looking for grass.
