It’s the Pitts: Real Men
A real man doesn’t moisturize, nor does he go to a salon to get his haircut. He goes to a barber, not a stylist, and he would never wear hair gel like the governor of California or some sissy poetry professor.
A real man is adventurous and likes to explore unchartered territory, like the kitchen. He can go to the hardware store without a support group.
He is knowledgeable and looks at magazines like Bassmaster or Field and Stream so he can discuss the content with other real men.
A real man is able to hit a certain white plumbing fixture while standing five feet away. He has also peed on his share of truck tires.
A real man’s four food groups are meat, anything fried, Mexican food and beer. He’s been known to kill his own food, and he likes to barbecue.
A real man has never had a pedicure in his life. He cuts his nails with a pocket knife and files them with a horseshoer’s rasp, and yes, he does carry a pocket knife which he uses to cut his meat at barbecues and brandings where plastic forks are provided, even if he used his knife the day before to castrate bulls.
He doesn’t use lip balm, gloss or scented ChapStick.
A real man does not wear an earring, tongue stud or lip jewelry. He’s never worn capri pants – whatever those are – a dress or leggings. None of his clothes are mauve, peach or pumpkin in color.
Real men listen to real music and that means country/western. He’s never heard of Bad Bunny until he performed at the Super Bowl, which he boycotted by going to the bathroom. Both stunk.
A real man knows the date of his anniversary, his wife’s birthday and that she likes See’s Candy, which he gives her every year. But, with a one-pound box costing over $27, she might have to start liking a Hershey candy bar from the Dollar Store instead.
He can’t tell you the difference between a cappuccino and espresso or arugula and radicchio.
He thinks dogs can do no wrong, but he dislikes cats.
A real man never cries during a movie – not even when John Wayne’s character got terminal cancer in his last movie. But he may have shed a tiny tear a couple years later when “The Duke” did die of cancer for real.
A real man retains full control of the remote control – when his wife is not present. HGTV puts him to sleep, and “The Housewives of Everywhere” makes him puke.
A real man would not be caught dead in a tanning booth, a spa, Palm Beach or Palm Springs. He’s never been to Monte Carlo, Victoria’s Secret or a psychoanalyst.
A real man never stops and asks for directions. Period.
His daily driver can be a pickup, a Peterbuilt, a tractor or a bucking bull but never a Smart Car.
He doesn’t eat quiche, plant burgers, vegetarian lasagna, mashed sweet potatoes or zucchini and lentil casserole.
A real man knows his way around a microwave, and he also knows the recipe for ice cubes. He can open any jar his wife hands him.
A real man can live out of the contents of one backpack for a month.
His all-time favorite actors are Jason Statham, Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis.
A real man has a toolbox full of tools, and he knows how to use every one.
He’s the only animal that will fight for something other than food and women.
He’s worn Carhartt to a funeral but wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a fanny pack.
A real man wears a leather belt, but he does not wear gloves unless he’s roping or welding. He’s never worn black socks and sandals together at the same time.
A real man likes football, baseball, basketball and NASCAR but hates soccer and cricket. He’d rather have three teeth pulled without the aid of anesthesia than watch the pairs figure skating at the Winter Olympics.
A real man doesn’t know the first thing about how a woman thinks.
