It’s the Pitts: Green Thieves
Normally, I’m a pretty peaceful guy, but want to know what really makes me mad? It’s these fake meat veg-heads who steal terms like steak and burger to describe their plant-based, lab-concocted vegetarian and vegan products they can’t sell on their own merits.
To get people to buy their rubbish, they are trying to pull the wool over consumers’ eyes and trick them into buying their inferior fare.
And, with several of these fake meat companies going broke and Beyond Meat teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, the veg-heads are getting really desperate.
We don’t have to guess how this can get out of hand in a hurry unless we nip it in the bud.
Take milk for example. We’ve gone from cow, goat and sheep milk to oat milk, soy milk, almond milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, pea milk, macadamia milk, rice milk, hazelnut milk, flaxseed milk, pistachio milk, banana milk, walnut milk, potato milk, sesame milk, peanut milk and even hemp milk.
What’s next, asparagus milk? How does a refreshing arugula milkshake sound?
All of them brag they’re better than cow’s milk, despite the fact many lack essential amino acids found in real milk and may contain inflammatory seeds and oils which can wreak havoc on the human digestive system.
Not to mention, most of these new “milks” lack the calcium and vitamin A found in real milk, and many are too high in starch.
Pimply-faced teenagers might also be interested to know some fake milks have been found to cause acne.
Poultry growers should also be foaming at the beak since some veggies have coopted their names too, like eggplant, drumstick and even a vegetable called fat hen. This alone should be grounds for a defamation lawsuit.
Horse people should be infuriated there are vegetables called horse gram, horseradish and sorrel, and there’s no doubt sheepherders have less money in their purse because of an inferior vegetable called shepherds purse – not to mention lamb’s lettuce.
The veg-heads have even managed to insult pig growers – which I thought was impossible – by naming a vegetable pignut.
What’s next, ham of yam I am? This is starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss story.
If I was from Switzerland, I’d be furious there’s a vegetable called Swiss chard, which is extremely bitter. I’d be annoyed by the implication if I was Swiss.
There’s not a more lovable animal on the planet than elephants, and veg-heads had the nerve to ride on the pachyderm’s good reputation by naming one vegetable elephant garlic and another elephant foot yam. I’m told it tastes an awful lot like elephant foot toe jam.
I’m saying, if we don’t stop this madness of veg-heads riding on our good name, it won’t be too long before we end up with ribeye of beet, rump of tofu, brisket of turnip and porterhouse butternut squash.
There will be Brussel sprout filet mignon, turnip green London broil and lima bean steak. Yuck. On one hand, we have the worst-tasting foodstuff in the lima bean and the best-tasting food on the planet in steak.
In the future, I can envision walking into a grocery store and seeing carrot ribs, tenderloin of potato, tomato top sirloin, collard greens ground round, fluted pumpkin flank, celery shanks, cucumber skirt steak, lettuce stroganoff, T-bone of cabbage, back-rib bell peppers, loin of spinach, stew meat soybeans and the vegetable that needs our good name the most – zucchini chateaubriand.
The veg-heads will continue to steal other words usually associated with meat like barbecued Bok choy, aged radicchio and chickweed Quarter Pounders.
I ask, where and when will it all end?
It’s bad enough vegetables and fruits have to be identified as to what country they were grown in – an advantage not granted to meat.
To take advantage of their protection from foreign imports, perhaps we should take a page out of the veg-head’s book and start calling beef “second-generation corn,” which would be as devious as the veg-heads using our words. Only in this case, it would be entirely true. Cattle eat the corn, and people eat the cattle.
