It’s the Pitts: Creative Cowboy Cussin’

by Lee Pitts

After attending a saloon session at a cow buyer’s convention, my wife made the astute observation cattlemen and women have the disgusting habit of swearing terribly. 

I couldn’t agree more, and I think it’s time we all made an effort to upgrade the quality of our swearing.

When done properly, cussing is an art form, and in many situations around the ranch, it can help one achieve their desired objective. 

For example, suppose a person is gathering cattle in steep country and they are riding the ridge, kicking cattle off of the sheer slopes. Invariably, there will be a cow about half way down the hill refusing to budge and practically daring the cowboy to come and get her. 

The person is faced with a dilemma. If they ride down to get the cow, they will then have the arduous task of climbing back to the top of the ridge. This is where a dog and a few proper cuss words of encouragement can make life a lot easier. 

“Get that barren bleep you no good, flea-bitten, louse-laden, chicken-eating, lop-eared son of a sheepdog,” the person might say. 

Please note it is not necessary to use off-color words. These are everyday terms clean enough to use around women, kids, female preachers, Extension agents and mother-in-laws.

Cuss words can also come in handy to relieve stress and ease pain. 

If a person is exhibiting a 2,000-pound bull in the show ring and the bull accidentally steps on their arthritic toes, it is not necessary to use language that would make one’s mother hide her head in shame. 

Merely say, “Yeeeooow!” followed by the words, “Oh, my,” as the bull gradually grinds said toes into the tanbark. There now – doesn’t that make you feel better?

After being turned down by a banker for any further credit because he wanted to see the cash flow statement and a five-year plan, but all you had was a cigar box full of tobacco stained receipts, there are several words a person can use to express their displeasure without offending him and thereby destroying the possibility of borrowing any more money from him in the future.

Among these creative cowboy cuss words would be, “I’ll be darned, gosh, jeeeeeminy crickets, oh my, golly jeez and dad gummit.” 

Any stockman worth his salt knows animals often react positively to proper swear words.

When attempting to catch a horse when he bolts and runs just as you were about to get the halter around his ears, it would do you well to remember these simple words,  “You ewe-necked, broom-tailed, slobberin,’ no good bag of bones, if you don’t halt right this minute I am going to sell you for glue.” 

I know this stops my horse Gentleman dead in his tracks every time.

Sometimes cussing can just flat make a person feel better and improve their outlook on life. 

I know when I was exhausted from pulling an enormous calf, thereby saving both the cow and calf from further distress and possibly even death, the cow then flicked her manure-drenched tail right across my face. 

When I opened my mouth and said “Shooooooooooot,” my wife says it left a much better taste in her mouth than if I had said the more common four-letter word starting with an “S” and ending in “T,” although it would have been far more accurate.

Admittedly, there are those rare occasions when the proper terminology will allude you.

For example, say a person is loading a bunch of steers and they follow a particularly stubborn beast up the loading ramp by grabbing its tail and shoving on its posterior with their knee. And suppose the ungrateful steer responds by kicking them squarely in the shins or, even worse, right below their bulging belly and the belt buckle they got for winning the calf roping at their county fair. 

At this point, they may have a hard time finding exactly the right words to express their feelings because they can hardly catch their breath. 

So, simply turn to your wife and whisper between clenched teeth, “Dear, would you please say something appropriate?”