It’s Pitts: My Auction Audition

by Lee Pitts

My name is Lee Pitts, and I’m addicted to auctions. I’m an auction junkie, and if I’m not working an auction, I’m watching one on the internet. If I had a dollar for every auction I’ve worked or watched, I’d be able to afford a therapist to help me deal with my awful auction addiction.

I’ve been working auctions as a ring man for over 50 years, and I have helped sell everything from A to Z – from alpacas and Angus cattle to Zebus and zebras. 

During those five decades, I’ve seen some very funny stuff, like the time a 2,000-pound bull decided to join the auctioneer on the auction block. There wasn’t room for both of them, so the auctioneer dove into the ring.

Then there was the time a very crazy cow began butting the bullboard. A ring man was standing behind the bullboard, and with each butt of the cow, the board inched ever closer to the ring man’s chest. We were afraid he’d be slowly crushed to death. He survived, but for the rest of his life he was a hunchback. 

Note to anyone having an auction – make sure the posts of the bullboard are securely cemented and termites haven’t compromised its integrity.

I witnessed two auctions that were real show stoppers. One was delayed at least an hour and 45 minutes because the auctioneer failed to show up, and the other was when a cow got wedged in behind the bullboard and we couldn’t get her out.

Although we all laugh about it now, the Pruett-Wray sale in Arizona harmed us all in a very personal way. 

The reason a lot of ring men and auctioneers are slightly to obscenely obese is because we pig out on the free barbecue every day at purebred cattle auctions during the fall and spring runs. Pruett-Wray put on a nice big spread for everyone, but we should have known something was wrong with the beans because they were still bubbling long after they were removed from the fire. 

Before long, the stands started emptying out as everyone was out behind a building barfing their guts out. The line to the Porta-Potty was 20 deep. Even the sale manager was afflicted, and he left the auction stand saying “WHOA OH, OH!”  

After this sale, I made it a rule to never eat the beans or the potato salad at cattle auctions.

Also in Arizona were the many John Wayne sales I attended. While the Duke was alive, his sales were often the highest averaging sales in the Hereford business. If a person bought a bull, they got a photograph with the Duke. After he died, the market cooled off considerably.

The most dangerous sale I ever worked was a Longhorn auction in Elko, Nev. We were cruising along nicely when a long-horned devil who knew how to use her 60 inches of horn entered the ring blowing snot and kicking up dust. 

The witch picked up one side of the makeshift ring with her horns, then somehow got under the panel, knocked over an entire section of metal seating and was head-hunting humans to shish-kabob. The sale was indoors so we were all trapped until someone opened the door and the witch was last seen running east down Interstate 80.

I missed out on the video auctions the Texans had on an airplane and a cruise ship, but I did work one of the first – and last – ostrich sales. 

All I knew about ostriches was they were selling for around $30,000. The auctioneer had never sold an ostrich sale before, so he was somewhat surprised when the ostrich in the ring became obsessed with his big diamond ring.

When the ostrich pecked at the shiny object in the middle of his chant, he jumped three feet in the air and said the F word on the way down, amongst other profanities. 

Needless to say, he never sold another ostrich, but it didn’t really matter because shortly thereafter the ostrich market took a big belly flop and breeders were turning their birds loose to fend for themselves

Oops, I’ve ranted on too long and I better quit because I don’t want to be late for my AAA meeting – Auction Addicts Anonymous.