It’s the Pitts: Read and Heed
By Lee Pitts
When I was 12, my father transitioned from being a long-haul truck driver to being a heavy equipment operator because driving his semi on long trips was interfering with his drinking. His offspring took this news hard because we all looked forward to his absence.
Despite his uncountable flaws, there was one thing my old man was good at – he could drive anything with a steering wheel or levers. He started by operating a backhoe, then a bulldozer and finally a truck crane.
As part of his training, he was given a pamphlet with the signs he needed to learn to operate a crane such as boom up, spool out, etc. I thought it would be neat to memorize these signs, although I never got a chance to use them as a writer or a rancher.
Far more important to me would have been a pamphlet showing the hand signals your wife uses to help back up a trailer, so I’ve put together a list all husbands should memorize to keep harmony in the home.
Men, from personal experience I’d say you should hang this list on a wall in your tack room or shop and refer back to it before embarking on any trailering experiences with your significant other.
1. Shaking her fist at you – This implies you just ran over your wife’s gardening bucket, broke the handle on her small shovel and flattened the bucket.
2. The okay sign – You probably think this means you have backed the trailer into its ideal location, but then you would be wrong – again. Your wife is trying to tell you from afar that zero is the number of animals you will able to load or unload in your trailer’s present location.
3. Jumping jacks – When your wife is waving her arms over her head while jumping up and down, it doesn’t mean she’s exercising. It means “Whoa Nellie” because you just backed into your antique loading chute which was only being held together because the termites were holding hands.
4. When she covers her face and tries to hide her identity – This signal is usually used when trying to unload or load cattle at the auction yard and it’s necessary for you to back your trailer into an alley. After about the 15th try, your wife is so embarrassed she tries to hide her identity and wants to go into the witness protection program.
5. The “you’re out” sign in baseball – You’ve high-centered the trailer and, in the process, you tore out all of the wiring running under the trailer, thereby requiring 12 hours to fix the trailer lights – and still, the turn signals will come out backwards.
6. Your wife is raising her fist above her head and shaking it at you – No, she’s definitely not giving the “Black Power” sign like those American athletes did years ago at the Olympics. I have firsthand experience with this signal, and it indicates you just put a huge dent in her beloved 25-year-old truck that she drives to work every day and everyone compliments her for having such a beautifully-restored pickup. Not any more they won’t.
7. When she keeps tapping her wristwatch and steam appears to be coming out of the top of her head – No, she’s not attempting to communicate with you with smoke signals. She’s really mad and is asking, “Where did you learn to back a trailer up, ya big dummy? And is there any chance you might get the trailer in its appropriate spot before nightfall?”
8. Your wife appears to be stirring a bowl of cake batter – I borrowed this signal from the crane operator’s pamphlet, only I’m assigning it a different meaning. What she’s saying is, “You’d make a better short order cook than a truck driver.”
9. Slashing her throat – This usually happens at a bull sale when you’re trying to load out with all your friends watching and people are waiting in line behind you to load out. It means, “Let’s put a merciful end to this nonsense and let me drive so we can both avoid further humiliation.”
WARNING – The signs your wife uses may vary and it behooves you to learn the many variations.
Happy trailering everyone.
