It’s the Pitts: New Old Movies
Has anybody noticed there are no decent movies being shown on free TV channels lately. If a person wants to see a good movie, they have to stream it or pay to join Peacock, Netflix or Hulu – does anyone know what a Hulu is?
Call me a tightwad, but I refuse to pay for what passes as entertainment these days.
Plus, as I write this, I think we can all be grateful the writers in Hollywood are out on strike. Rather than the garbage Hollywood was churning out before the strike, I’d rather see remakes of some of the all-time classics, such as these:
1. The Wizards of U.S., featuring a cast of strange characters who don’t have a heart, brain or courage – it’s the real story of the U.S. government.
I have seen the original 3,253 times, and I’m sick and tired of it. I sure wish someone would update the old flick.
President Biden could be the scarecrow without a brain, Mark Zuckerberg would be the Tin Man without a heart, John Kerry would be the Cowardly Lion and Whoopie could play the wicked witch.
2. Rocky Meets Rambo, featuring two of the biggest box office stars of my era. I swear, this movie would out-gross Avatar and American agriculture in its first week.
3. The Best Little Whorehouses in Texas and Nevada. The photography and costuming are excellent in this documentary about places one might want to visit someday.
Follow along as Bill Clinton narrates, introducing viewers to the stars up close and personal.
Men, tell your wife you’re going hunting. Leave her and the kids at home, gather up five of your best buddies and take a little field trip to go see this movie. Rated triple X with nudity and adult language.
4. Not So Tender Mercies – a movie I personally would really like to see. A bevy of bloodthirsty bankers foreclose on Susan Sarandon, Joy Bahar and Andrea Mitchell, who are then forced to live together on a very small island.
Watch the movie and bet on DraftKings as to how long they can go before they start killing each other. Produced and directed by Donald Trump.
5. Deep Throats – isn’t it great Westerns are making a comeback? A great show for kids of all ages. Clint Eastwood worms 300 steers armed only with a balling gun.
6. A Sting – tells the story of the only two brick-and-mortar retailers left in America. Follow along as they try to survive the Amazon by selling cheap, crappy merchandise from China.
The three big conglomerates that own everything pull off “the sting” by using the Postal Service to deliver all of their stuff for free, while first class mail and magazines pile up in post offices from coast to coast.
7. Superman, The Final Chapter – this will be your last chance to see Clark Kent walk into a phone booth and transform himself into Superman.
With everyone carrying cell phones and no need for phone booths, the man of steel has lost his dressing room.
8. Jaws, The Grand Reopening – A bunch of economists shoot off their mouths about how high food prices are and the American public blames farmers and ranchers.
It is the biggest work of fiction since Homer wrote “The Odyssey.”
It bombed at the box office until the movie’s main character, played by Will Smith, clocked a corn farmer at the Oscars, and now everyone wants to see the remake. With one punch, Smith managed to revive his career and make many more millions.
So why does it look like Smith’s wife just ate a big jar of dill pickles?
9. E.T., The Elected Terestrials – You have read the book, then see the blockbuster movie.
It’s about the epic story of 535 politicians from a far-away planet called Washington, D.C. and how they try to destroy agriculture in America. This is the movie that took 31 trillion dollars to make, so you might as well see it – you paid for it.
It stars Michelle Obama, but Hunter Biden steals the show in an Oscar-worthy performance.
10. Gone Again With The Wind – The perennial favorite, starring the Godfather who meets up with My Fair Lady. A good looking rancher tries to please a headstrong woman, but he never stood a chance.
He tells her he loves her, but she says, “I don’t give a damn,” and he is “Gone Again With The Wind.”
So, I’ll be seeing you at the movies… or not. Has anybody seen what they’re charging for a ticket to the movies these days?