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It’s the Pitts: American Eulogy

by Wyoming Livestock Roundup

A common theme dominating the conversation of most people my age is they are glad they’ll be decomposing six feet under the grass and won’t be around to live in the glorious future they’ve created. 

My fellow senior citizens and I feel bad for the babies born today who, on average, already owe $13,425 in state debt and $78,089 in federal debt. I, on the other hand, wish I was going to be around to witness the carnage and to say, “I told you so.”

I don’t think most younger Americans fully grasp they’re sleepwalking into the fan blades of a giant green wind machine. As for the $31 trillion they’re already on the hook for, what do they care? Just like their $200,000 in student debt, they have no intention of paying it back either. 

Who cares if the debt is $31 trillion or $130 trillion? If we need more money, we’ll just print more.

Today, young people think they’re all gonna work from home or sit at Starbucks staring at their phone all day doing what they call “work” without a boss looking over their shoulder. Or, they’ll make a lucrative living being an “influencer” on YouTube, Twitter or Facebook. 

We’re all gonna live in online communities of strangers, and when we’re hungry, our food will be delivered by DoorDash and Uber drivers. We’ll get everything else we need from Amazon and pay for it with Bitcoin. 

We won’t worry about a steady paycheck because we’ll all be getting reparations checks for something or other, so we’ll just hang around and wait for our inheritance when our parents die so we can inherit their house. And, we won’t even have to move away from where we’re already living.

All of the pollution will disappear because all of our factories will be shuttered, and one-third of the traffic will be parked at Tesla charging stations. 

We’ll live in a world of renewable energy and zero emissions, and when we need more batteries, we’ll just buy them at Costco. We’ll just take the used-up batteries back or store them with our spent nuclear fuel rods we don’t know where to warehouse.

The letters “USA” won’t stand for the United States of America anymore but “Unlimited Sprawl Area” because people will live in office buildings made vacant when everyone started working from home. 

President Biden’s 30×30 dream will be realized when at least 30 percent of U.S. lands will be conserved by 2030 so busloads of Japanese tourists with cameras dangling from their necks will be running from packs of wolves, marauding bears and hungry mountain lions in our national parks. 

Our borders will remain open to insure we’ll have someone to raise our kids.

Getting rid of all fossil fuels because of climate change will bring families closer together as we burn furniture and three generations snuggle together to share body heat. It will be just like camping! But, don’t forget to be on the lookout for the aforementioned wolves, bears and lions.

The future we’ve created will be a kinder, gentler and smarter world as everyone will be female, and boys will be boys no longer. Instead, they’ll grow their own boobs, have their plumbing rearranged and have their appendage removed. Ouch!

As for making babies, well, maybe we didn’t do a very good job of explaining the birds and the bees to our kids. And, perhaps we should have come clean about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy, too. 

As for our birthrate dipping below “sustainable” levels, well, again this is what the open borders are for and why Congress looks like a parade.

If and when there is a World War III it will all be conducted by soldiers at keyboards with joysticks, drinking 5-Hour Energy, just like playing a violent video game. As for this great experiment we called America, we’ll finally come to the realization the grand experiment just didn’t work and we’ve been the big bully on the block for far too long. 

The only advice I have for our inheritors is to bone up on their Chinese, North Korean and Russian.

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