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Underground Beef

by Wyoming Livestock Roundup

Instead of saying evil things about beef, I wish the government would just go ahead and outlaw it so we could all make some money.

The surgeon general put his warning on cigarettes, and sales of these cancer sticks skyrocketed. Marijuana was outlawed, and “grass” farmers are feeling really good about things since they have the only cash crop. 

It’s human nature for somebody to pay dearly for something they are told they can’t have. Tell them the speed limit is 55 and they’ll drive 65. If it’s 65, they’ll drive 75.

The best thing that could happen to cattlemen is for the government to say beef could be raised for medicinal purposes only. Then, doctors and drug companies would be on our side because they could charge $600 for a hamburger prescription. 

A patient would drive down to Burger King, plop down his prescription and get a Whopper. If you think there are lines at McDonald’s now, just wait until beef is illegal. 

Lawyers would really love us because they would be busy suing doctors for pre-medicated murder, and movie stars would get off our backs because they would all have $1,000-a-day habits, stuffing T-bones up their noses. 

Scientists would also be on our side because they would have Beef Anonymous treatment centers where beef addicts could spend $15,000 for beef abuse aversion therapy, where the patient would be fed 75 Big Macs every day until they were sick of them.

Cowboys would be driving big fancy Cadillacs, and rancher’s would be kingpins dining on burgers in the back room. 

Of course it would change the way we ran our ranches. We’d have to  sell on the black market and open bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. Auction men would be on the top 10 most wanted list. Ranches way back in the sticks would skyrocket in value. 

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) would fly planes overhead to spot illegal cattle, but smart ranchers would go underground or hide their cattle under trellises of marijuana – the feds don’t seem to be able to spot that. 

Feedlots may have a problem, though, convincing beef narcs the 100,000 cattle in their feedlots are for home consumption only. But then, the USDA would try to count the animals, and we all know they can’t do that.

When burger patrol brought their beef sniffing dogs to the ranch and raided grandma and grandpa’s illegal operation, they would haul grandpa away in a cruiser as he covered his face to the camera. 

Grandpa would swear in court the cattle were not his, they weren’t wearing his brand and they had just drifted on to his place from the Sierra Club refuge for endangered species. Grandpa’s fancy lawyer would get him off on a minor income tax evasion charge.

The beef business would get so good, it would start attracting undesirable types like the mafia and futures traders from Chicago, and poultry pluckers would be trying to get chicken outlawed. 

State governments would see the profit potential in beef like they did in gambling. They would probably all start beef lotteries.

Yeah, I wish the feds would quit messing around and outlaw beef so we could all get rich.

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