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I’m So Sorry

by Wyoming Livestock Roundup

I’m so ashamed. According to today’s media, I’m the worst kind of person in the world; I’m white, straight and male. Could I possibly be more deplorable? 

I like Clint Eastwood and Denzel Washington movies, didn’t cry when Princess Di died, and I love pickup trucks. I leave the toilet seat up, watch March Madness, the Indy 500 and the Kentucky Derby, hate shopping and scratch when and where it itches. In other words, I’m a man, but men are not very popular right now, especially white, straight ones. 

We aren’t an endangered species yet, but I think we’re headed in that direction. In 1900, in the Wild West, men outnumbered women 54 to 46, and the national average was 51 men to 49 women. Now, there are more women than men, and many of the males that are left can hardly be called real men.  

Did you know in the past 30 years, the sperm count of the average male in this country has dropped 30 percent? I think it’s because guys are watching “The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills,” the Kardashians and HGTV. So many young men are embarrassed about their maleness that they’re putting their hair up in buns or wearing ponytails and earrings, using fanny packs, getting tongue studs, moving back in with mother, crying because they lost a Facebook friend and wearing capri pants. But, they can’t fool me.  

Deep down they’re still guys unless, of course, they get their plumbing rearranged. In this case, they can join with their sisters to condemn us ‘ovum deprived people of sex,’ as we’re referred to now. 

Then there’s the fact I’m white, and everyone knows whites are oppressors of the disadvantaged and rapists of the earth. These days, Black Lives Matter, but white lives don’t. And how come white people get fired for using the “N” word 30 years ago, but black rap singers use it in nearly every other song? It’s a terrible word and no one should use it ever again. 

I went to a new doctor the other day and had to fill out the requisite reams of paperwork. Under the question about race, practically every race was listed except mine. Apparently, I’m now classified as ‘other.’ But, I brought this on myself because 400 years ago, the first documented enslaved Africans arrived in America after being rounded up by black slave traders in Angola, Senegal, Gambia and Nigeria who “sold them down the river” to European slave traders on the coast. So, now I need to pay reparations?  

Hey, as long as we’re responsible for the actions of our great-great-grandfathers, if you’re handing out free money, don’t forget me. I had relatives fight and die in America’s Civil War where 364,511 Union soldiers died – 324,511 of them were white. Those white men died so enslaved black people could be free, and I’d fight the same fight today. So, personally, I don’t feel all too responsible for something that happened 300 years ago. I’ve never owned a slave, nor have I ever met one. 

The black and white civil rights protesters who hate white people like to point out Hitler was white and male, but then so too was Jesus Christ. Henry Ford, Thomas Alva Edison, Abraham Lincoln and the majority of soldiers who stormed the beaches at Normandy to get rid of the Nazi maniacal murderers. 

There are good white folk and bad, but white men like me are like barbed wire – we have a few good points. I can go to the bathroom all by myself without a support group, the thought of sex doesn’t give me a headache. I’ve never watched “Ellen” or “The View,” and I don’t talk like Valley Girls; like, you know? 

The leaders and police force in Portland let Black Lives Matter and others take over parts of that city for months on end, and rioters vandalized and destroyed hundreds of businesses, but I didn’t hear of our government killing any of those protesters. Yet LaVoy Finicum, a white man, was shot and killed with his hands held high by an Oregon State Trooper for his very minor role in the occupation of a wildlife refuge in Oregon.  

George Floyd should never have been killed by that police officer, but neither should’ve LaVoy. Don’t white men have civil rights, too? 

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