Cowboy Viddles

By Lee Pitts

Cowboys have always had their own vocabulary. It’s almost as if they are talking in code so only other cowboys can understand what they’re saying. 

            For example, the cook on a cowboy crew is a pot rustler, coosie or cookie, the chuckwagon where he prepares the grub is his crumb castle and when he rings his dinner bell cowboys put on the nosebag. 

            To determine just how well one speaks cowboy, here is a little multiple-choice test to find out if they are a real cowboy or one of the drugstore persuasion. Answers are at the end of the test. 

            1. Boggy top is a) pine nuts with goat cheese, b) portobello mushrooms on a buckwheat roll with balsamic vinegar dressing, c) cod tacos with mutton enchiladas or d) pie with no crust.

            2. Bear sign is a) fried coleslaw, b) donuts, c) a bologna sandwich on white bread or d) pepperoni pizza without anchovies.

            3. Spotted dog is a) Dalmatian on fry bread, b) dirty sock soup, c) garlic rattlesnake hash or d) suet pudding.

            4. Cackleberries are a) eggs, b) cowcumbers, also known as pickles, c) peanut M&M’s or d) raisins.

            5. Cow salve is a) double espresso, half decaf with mocha, b) guacamole c) butter or d) venti almond frappuccino with a hint of cinnamon.

            6. Saddle horn is a) biscuits hard enough to break the teeth on a rat, b) Fig Newtons, c) arugula salad with saddle soap dressing or d) cooked carrots in beet sauce.

            7. Chuckwagon chicken is a) haggis b) pheasant under glass, c) salt pork dipped in flour and fried or d) barbecued prairie chicken.

            8. County attorney is a) beans which talk behind your back, b) rutabaga nestled in a bed of mixed greens, c) son of a gun stew or d) oatmeal with raisins.

            9. Splatterdabs are a) fish sticks with chutney, b) pork and beans, c) fried mozzarella cheese balls or d) pancakes.

            10. Lick is a) molasses, b) an ice cream cone, c) peppermint candy or d) watermelon infused with vodka.

            11. Desperation cake is a) fried Hostess Twinkies, b) cake made without eggs or milk, c) re-gifted Christmas fruitcake or d) wedding cake.

            12. Neck oil or bug juice is a) castor oil, b) coffee so weak it tastes like scalded water, c) lemon and honey or d) whiskey.

            13. Rocky Mountain oysters are a) moose balls, b) sheep eyeballs, c) bovine testicles or d) oysters from Colorado.

            14. Kansas City fish is a) chipped tuna on toast, b) fried pork, c) chicken gizzards or d) rack of woodchuck.

            15. Whistleberries or Mexican strawberries are a) onions, b) beans usually cooked in dishwater, c) cabbage or d) prunes.

            16. Calf slobber is a) Cool Whip, b) butter, also known as axle grease, c) leftovers or d) meringue.

            Answers: (1) d, (2) b, (3) d, (4) a, (5) c, (6) a, (7) c, (8) c, (9) d, (10) a, (11) b, (12) d, (13) c, (14) b, (15) b and (16) d.